Sunday, April 3, 2011

My Other Life

Since I'm lazy and have only written half of this week's post, I'm going to republish something I wrote almost two years ago. I promise it's just as funny as the day I released it. Enjoy. New material will be posted this sometime later this week.

I lived a completely false online life for three days using Omegle.
Omegle is a chatroom that connects you with a random person around the world. These strangers can range from horny Turkish men to Chinese people using a IP address-masking site to chat with people. It's interesting, fun, and scary.

So I decided to do something interesting. I decided to create a person, and live that life via Omegle. Here is a little bit about "me":

Name: Nicole Myers
Date of birth: January 19, 1983 (age 26)
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Green
Height: 5'5
Weight: 115-125 (depending on "the time of the month").
Location: San Fransisco, California, USA by way of Tyler, Texas, USA.
Occupation: Receptionist at a law firm.

Other parts of my persona:
-I own a male cat named Pablo.
-I went to law school for six years, and graduated seven months ago.
-My father has connections in the business, and got me a job in SF. He is rich, and paid for my college education. He is expecting me to work my way up the ladder.
-I live in a two-bedroom house on a hill on a street with trolleys that pass by.
-I am a workout fiend. I own a treadmill and enjoy swimming.
-I like my men built, but not bulky.
-I can't seem to find a good man in SF that isn't either gay or an asshole. Or both.

Under this persona, I managed to get a few bites. One was a single, 40 year old man living in Texas. One was a 28 year old Norweigian milk factory worker. But the most interesting by far was a 20 year old SoCal-based video editor named Troy.
He and I had a two-hour conversation that was mostly about "me," and how cute he thought I sounded. Green eyes drive him crazy, he likes to surf, and is absolutely a cocky, shameless douchebag with an IQ in the double-digits.
Anyways, Troy and I chatted it up outside of Omegle. I created an email address ( and talked back and forth with him for about two days.

This is a social experiment conducted on a complete stranger; unbiased and absolutely aloof. Ladies and gentlemen, I present:

The Troy and Nicole Emails

May 10th, 2009

Nicole (2:41 PM):
Hey there. Sorry this is so short, but I have to leave to fix something at my office. Damn computers shut down on them and I'm the only one that knows how to fix them.
Email me back!

Troy (2:47 PM):
Eh, its ok. no biggie. dont they have a person whos supposed to be called to take care of those issues?
hope ur cat isnt gonna get lonely. better feed him before you leave, he might get hungry. lol
hope everything is ok

Nicole (4:07 PM):
Yeah, his name is Robert. He was out of town for the weekend for a funeral. I think his aunt passed away or something.
And I did feed Pablo, of course.

Troy (4:17 PM):
hey :)
been waiting for your reply :)
sooooo whats up? did you fix the problem?
youre probably relaxing now with your cat :p
curious, did you really find me charming even though we didnt talk much?

Nicole (11:36 PM):
Yeah, I fixed it. I then went out to dinner with one of my girlfriends who is going through a tough time with her fiance. Sorry it took me so long to reply.
I just watched The Jerk. Have you seen that movie? I grew up watching it.

And yes, I found you very charming. :)

Troy (11:59 PM):
cool youre on or awake lol
i would think you would be asleep or something.

awe :( where did you girls go out?
awe its ok, i had work. i just got home less than an hour ago, sooo im tired but i got hw to do :(
the jerk? never heard of it. whats it about?
awe thats sweet :)
i found you very, sweet. understanding.
how r u?

May 11th, 2009:

Nicole (1:04 AM):
I haven't slept for more than six hours since law school.
We went to a little restaraunt about four blocks from my house, then to a cafe for coffee. She's doing better. :)
The Jerk is about a guy that invents an item that holds up peoples' glasses and gets really rich. It has Steve Martin in it. You should check it out.
Thank you, sweetheart!
I'm doing well. I am now very tired. I'm probably going to read a bit, then go to bed. Goodnight!

Troy (1:08 AM):
really? why not?
just sleeping habits i guess
awe thats good. i help out my friends too whenever they need me or even if they dont need me lol
acutually i looked it up. looks funny, maybe i will check it out one of these days.
sweetheart? :p
yea i am tired too but im always up late. i will probably be up for another hour or two.
im just watching a movie.
what do u read?

Nicole (9:25 AM):
It's from back when I had to study all the time! I took pride in being a straight-A student.
It's good to hear that you are loyal.
You should. Let me know what you think!
I read a lot of different books. My favorite is one called "The Lovely Bones" by Alice Sebold.

Troy (9:35 AM):
ooooooo. i guess old habits die hard.
i wouldnt say loyal. just protective.
you use alot of winking faces lol
whats it about?
curiuos do u have a picture of yourself?
btw what kinda computer do you have

Nicole (5:23 PM):
Yeah, I don't mind not sleeping. I get more done.
So are you saying you aren't loyal?

I wink to flirt, silly!
I do, but the most recent ones I have are from when I saw my family over Christmas last year. I'll ask my friend if she can take an updated one for me, since she has a digital camera.
I have a little 11-inch Dell laptop. Why?

Troy (5:26 PM):
hey! been waiting for a reply!
true true. still who doesnt mind, laying in bed :p
lets put it this way. im loyal to those who are loyal to me. but hey, everyone screws up once and while.
oh lol. arent you a flirty girl.
what type of things do you do to flirt?
oooooooo, ok. cant wait
well i was gonna say, if you had a mac we could video chat or something.
so how was ur day?

Nicole (5:33 PM):
I know I sure don't.
You sound like you are talking about a specific instance. Are you?
You mean when I'm with guys that I like? I usually wait for them to show me that they are interested before I make any moves. Nothing is sexier than a guy who isn't afraid to make the first move.
I now wish I had a Mac. :(
My day was okay. There has actually been a lot of business for my bosses lately. Lots of new clients. Mostly for bankruptcy and divorce, but hey, money is money, am I right?
How was yours?

Troy (5:37 PM):
not really. i mean lifes full of screw ups. hard to just pick one or even two. you know?
hmmmmmmm. i always liked if a girl gave a lil smile, wink lol or something. you know, just to let me know shes interested. i hate it when you come on to a girl and shes not feeling you.
awe, its ok.
yea money is money. cant argue with that.
it was ok. schools almost over. thank god.
curious, does it ever get lonely living by urself?

Nicole (5:53 PM):
Yeah, I definitely do.
I don't run into that problem very often, for some reason. Usually the guys that I flirt with are all for taking me out on a date or something. I'm not meaning to be egotistical, but it's true.
One of my friends is working on finals all this week. I don't get to see her that much. :(
It does sometimes, yeah. But I have Pablo!
Sometimes my friends stay over too. It's fun, because I have the biggest house out of all of us.
Do you have a picture?

Troy (5:59 PM):
wow. you sound like a total hottie ;)
funny thing, most of the girls that i have something serious with or i get really close with are usually really beautiful, have a great personality.
usually i think im out of their league but obviously theres something about me girls like hmmmmmm so take that for what its worth.
thats cool but then again, houses in SF arent really big lol
what do you girls do for fun at each others houses?
maybe ;)

Nicole (6:03 PM):
I've been told I am...haha.
Aw, you sound so cute!
We usually watch movies or something. One of my friends is trying to start a mini book club where we all read the same book at once and talk about it.
Send me one!

Troy (6:09 PM):
lol, ok i know a hottie when i see one. and i know a cutie when i see one.
which one do you think u r?
*blush* lol
i love movies!!!!!!!!!! duh lol
whats ur favorite type of movie?
how about this, when you get ur pic of u. i will send you mine. so we can do it at the same time ok?
that ok?
sooooo whatchya doin?

Nicole (6:15 PM):
I think I'm somewhere in the middle. I get both compliments evenly.
I love comedies. Will Ferrell is my favorite! Semi-Pro and Blades of Glory are the funniest!
Sometimes I'll go for the dumb ones like Meet the Spartans, just because I like that sort of thing.
Fine! You're gonna make me work for it!
I'm thinking about making dinner. I have stuff to make pasta, so I might do that. You?

Troy (6:18 PM):
hottie+cute+smart= . . . . . . is there even a word that describes a girl like that?
i love comedies. my favorite comedy is tommy boy with chris farley and david spade. sucha classic for me.
sounds like you got a great sense of humor.
hmmmmmm, work it girl lol
im just watching basketball. relaxing now.
what kinda pasta?

Nicole (6:25 PM):
I haven't heard it if there is!
I love Tommy Boy! My favorite movie ever is Anchorman!
Oooh. ;)
I think it's spagetti. I can't remember what I bought.

Troy (6:30 PM):
lol. i guess i gotta make one up.
YES! a girl who actually heard of tommy boy. then again, you are older than most of the girls i know soooo lol
but thats a good thing. i prefer mature women. makes things easier for me.
mmmmm, you getting turned on :P
yum, i can make that too.
im about to ask the obvious guy question.
what are you wearing :p

Nicole (6:39 PM):
You should, and get back to me. ;)
I'm not that old! 26 isn't old at all!
Maybe a little bit. Shh.
I'm wearing my skirt and blouse from work. I've been to lazy to take it off. Thinking of changing in a second.

Troy (6:44 PM):
i will ;)
oh no thats not what i meant. just saying ur older than the girls i know. come on im 20 almost 21 in a couple of months.
sorry if that offended you :(
hmmmmm sexxyy. maybe you should, get into something comfortable.
i know, i do that alot :P

Nicole (6:47 PM):
I think I'm going to. ;)
I'm going to go make my spagetti. I'll be back on later. Leave me a cute email or something, okay?

Troy (6:51 PM):
are you trying to turn me on?
hmmm bad girl ;)
hmmm yummy. save me some :P
cant wait to hear back from you.

Nicole (8:40 PM):
You are so damn cute.
I found a picture to send you. It's from the Christmas bunch, so it's a little outdated. Send me one first, okay?

Troy (8:43 PM):
lol. i guess
hmmmmmmm. nope you first :P
how was dinner?

Nicole (8:45 PM):
Dinner was great. My fat cat ate my spagetti though. :)
Fine, fine, fine. I sent it with this email. Let me know what you think!

The picture I sent, labeled as "nicolechristmasphotos5" for authenticity:

Troy (8:50 PM):
lol. awe ur cat must have been hungry.
cute. cant see your green eyes though :(

Nicole (8:52 PM):
Yeah, sorry about that. I might send you another if you send me one. ;)

Troy (8:55PM):
alright alright arlighty.
lets seeee
here you go. its from my sisters wedding, which explains the tux

The picture he sent me:

Nicole (9:01 PM):
You are so cute! I love your tux!

Troy (9:03 PM):
awe thx. yea, i kinda want that tux back but oh well. it was a rental.
got anymore pics of u?
got like a full body shot?

Nicole (9:11 PM):
I don't have one on here, no. But since I promised you another one, here is me and Pedro in New York last year. This was during Christmas too.

The second picture I sent him, this time labled "nicolechristmasphotos16" for realism:
Troy (9:14 PM):
WOW! he is a big cat. lol
why were you in ny?

Nicole (9:20 PM):
I told you he was fat! ;)
My mom and stepdad live there. I was visiting them for the holidays.

Troy (9.23: PM):
well still, i didnt know he was that big.
nice nice. do u have any family in cali or sf?
for that matter,anywhere in the west coast?
i was curiuos, what were you doing on omegle?

Nicole (9:27 PM):
My half-sister lives in LA. Other than that, everyone lives in Texas or New York.
My friend told me about it and I got addicted to it. I love it.

Troy (9:31 PM):
awe that kinda sucks. traveling must suck during the holidays.
ahhhhh ok. cool. have you meant anyone else on it lately?
most guys on there are just looking for someone to just cyber with.

Nicole (9:35 PM):
I don't mind it. I like New York. They live in the country part, so it's kinda nice to get away from the city.
Yeah, I haven't met anyone as worthwhile as you though. There was a guy from Norway that was interesting, but that's it.
And you're right, a lot of them do want to cyber.

Troy (9:38 PM):
awe thats nice. sounds it like in the woods or something?
awe thats sweet.
curious, have you cybered before?
so what u doing

Nicole (9:41 PM):
Yeah, out in the middle of nowhere.
I can't say I have, no. Have you?
I'm sitting here reading the news. You?

Troy (9:44 PM):
places like that are relaxing but scary as hell. makes me feel like im lost or if i need help im screwed lol
ummmmm, yea i have
watching the bball game and texting

Nicole (9:47 PM):
You have before?
Interesting... :)

Troy (9:49 PM):
yup. i have.
are you getting ideas?
any questions about it?

Nicole (9:49 PM):
Hmm, I've always thought it was interesting...

Troy (9:51 PM):
how so? im guessing uve heard stories about it or something.
it is fun though lol

Nicole (9:52 PM):
My friend said that she's done it before.
My motto is that you have to try everything once!

Troy (9:54 PM):
really? what did she say about it?
lol. do u wanna try it now?

Nicole (9:56 PM):
She liked it...
Sure...I'll try it. But can you make the first paragraph sort of long? I need to get ready, if you know what I mean. ;)

Troy (9:58 PM):
before i start. do you want me to talk dirty in it?
im not sure what turns you on or off you know

Nicole (9:59 PM):
I'm into anything you want to throw my way. ;)

Troy (10:04 PM):
wow ok.
im behind you, my hands around ur waist, feels ur warm soft skin. you can feel my breath on ur neck, as if i was about kiss.
i kiss on ur your neck, as one of hands slids down and unbuttons your pants. they drop to the floor.
i turn you around and i take off your shirt slowly but its covering your eyes so you cant see me. without you knowing, i kiss your lips and hold it for as long as i can.
your gasping for air, then i use my free hand to take your bra.
you take off ur shirt so you can see me slide down and start sucking on ur nipples.
hows that? ur turn

Nicole (10:12 PM):
As you suck on my nipples, I moan slightly, my eyes rolling back into my head. Turning you on more, you suck harder until my nipples poke out, hard as a rock.
You kiss lower and lower until you are to my panties. You pull them down. A half-erect cock flops out, surprising you. Waiting for your angry, betrayed expression, I am also surprised as you put it in your mouth, sucking it until it too is as hard as a rock. The veins are pulsing on my dick as you shove my huge cock deeper and deeper down your throat. Right before I cum, I pull out and spray it all over you, coating your face in a thick layer of man-juice.
How was that?

Troy (10:16 PM):
what the fuck was that?

Nicole/Gabe (10:21 PM):
That, Troy, is the email that just ruined your day. My name is Gabe Carson and I'm teaching a class for the LAPD about internet safety. You were my guinea pig. I surfed Omegle for hours before coming across a guy like you.
I am proof that no one on the internet can be trusted. Those pictures? Random ones from a social networking site. This email? Created in the last ten minutes of our Omegle conversation. As for the persona of "Nicole Myers," it was all just what came to me at that moment.
Do you have anything to say?

Troy (10:22 PM):
are you serious?

Gabe (10:24 PM):
Absolutely. I apologize for the inconvenience, but know that you are now helping a new generation of police officers learn how to teach people to be safe in times like these.

Troy (10:26 PM):
damn man. did you seriously have to be sooooooo well graphic in that other message. even some easier stuff would have gotten the point across.
you arent gonna keep the pic or my email address are you?

Gabe (10:28 PM):
No, that would be all kinds of illegal. I'm just going to say that it was OVER email, and say that you sent me a picture of you in a tux.
But really, do you have anything to say? Any lessons learned?

Troy (10:33 PM):
question though, when this stuff happens, what do you guys say to future police officers or whoever?
yea of course. kinda the reason i dont go on omegle often. kinda a odd site but one you go on when you are bored or whatever.
isnt it kinda illegal to just grab pics of an person and use them as a templet for a fake person?

Gabe (10:38 PM):
If I'm claiming to be another person, it isn't that big of a deal. But since I didn't use her real name or anything, it doesn't count.
So do you think this has made the internet a safer place for you? Are you going to be more careful next time?

Troy (10:43 PM):
um honestly. its kinda freaked me out more to tell you the truth. actually its probably gonna make me stay away from omegle more.
yea i will be careful next time . . . if there is one.
one tip. if ur gonna play a girl on that site. pick a location like brazil, that place is full of ppl from brazil.
its kinda expected.
how many ppl from that site have you done this too?
since YOU SAY you are from the LAPD, i got a question only a police officer can answer.
is there any way you can trace back a restricted phone call on a cell?

Gabe/Me (10:43 PM):
I didn't say I was a police officer, I said that I WORKED for them. Impersonating a police officer is a felony.
Yeah, IMPERSONATING. I'm not with the LAPD. Hell, I don't even live in California.
I am just a bored 18 year-old with way too much time on my hands. And yeah, I'm a dude. I thought that would have been incredibly obvious by the way I typed, but I guess it's sort of hard to determine the gender of someone over the internet, especially when they are so forward with you like I was.
And before you freak the fuck out and tell anyone about this, think of how embarrassing it would be for that chat log to be released to the world.
Nothing I said or did was in any way illegal, either, so get that idea out of your head.
Just be more careful on the internet, you bumbling idiot.

Troy (10:59 PM):
alright alright. chill man.
i learned my lesson.

Me (11:03 PM):
Good. Have a nice life.

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